Try and relax. I know you’re in pain. I understand the contractions are getting closer together. Breathe deeply, in and out. This is your first baby, right? One of the flight attendants told me. The first is always the scariest. That’s what my wife once said.
Sorry, I drifted away for a moment. Don’t worry. I’m here. I’m here for you. Take my hand. Everything is going to be alright.
Here’s the problem, and I don’t mean to alarm you. But you deserve to know the truth: There’s a nuclear device on this airplane, and I’ve got to get us on the ground safely. Don’t be frightened. We’ll be fine. Really. Everyone on this plane, including you and your baby, will be fine. Okay, the pilots won’t be fine. The pilots are dead. I’m sorry, didn’t you know that? Didn’t one of the flight attendants mention it? No, I don’t have time to go into what happened. It’s a long story. Suffice it to say, they’re dead, there’s a nuclear device on this plane, and apparently I’m the only one of the passengers with a medical degree and a pilot’s license. So first, I have to get this plane safely on the ground so the authorities can bring in a bomb squad to defuse the device. I promise you that once I bring the plane to a stop, I’m coming right back here to help you deliver your baby.
What’s that? No, I’m not drunk. Who told you that? Who has been spreading lies about me? It’s that lady in seat 23F, isn’t it? Listen, she’s had it in for me this entire flight. She was harassing one of the flight attendants and I politely told her to shut up. The safety of this flight depends on the flight attendants being able to do their jobs in a conflict-free environment. Yes, I had a couple of drinks. What of it? It helps calm me. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. You see, it’s the third anniversary of my wife’s death. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. That’s very kind of you. Yes, it’s tough, but I’m holding up. If you must know, she was murdered. Well, it remains unsolved, but I have my suspicions. It’s political. Let’s leave it at that. Someday, I’ll bring the person responsible for her death to justice. It’s a promise I made to her as she died in my arms in that Saint Petersburg hotel. But first things first. Right now, I have to land this plane safely. Then I can deliver your baby.
Please stop crying. It will be okay. Look, you seem like a nice woman, so I’ll be honest with you. There’s a high-level diplomat on this plane. Nevermind who. Yes, as a matter of fact, it does sort of tie into the nuclear device situation. I don’t have time to go into details, but you should know: The fate of the free world depends on me getting this plane on the ground safely. You see, this diplomat has highly sensitive documents he needs to get to Washington. I don’t know, apparently he didn’t have access to a scanner. I think he was in Cameroon. But that doesn’t matter right now, does it? All that matters is that he has highly sensitive documents in his briefcase that he needs to get to Washington, and if he doesn’t, the future of our country is in jeopardy. What? Yes, I realize that, but it will be even more in jeopardy. So this isn’t just about you or your baby or me or anyone else on this plane. This is about America. This is about the free world.
Sit back. Take this woman’s hand. Breathe deeply, in and out. That’s it. I’ll get this plane down, don’t you worry. Then we’ll get your baby delivered. Have you thought of a name? Oh, that’s a pretty name. She’ll like that. Your grandmother you say?
Listen, I’m not going to lie to you, there’s a chance I may need to defuse the bomb before we land. Otherwise, it could go off midair. It’s on some sort of timer. Sorry? Well, I took an online class once. Yes, it’s amazing what you can learn in them. Anyway, I’m just telling you this because it may take a little time. So you just hang tight. You and your baby will be safe. We’ll all be safe. America will be safe. And we’ll all have a good laugh about it later.
I’m already having a good laugh about it now
That’s what I like to hear. 🙂
Very amusing analogy.
Thank you.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
Thank you. Came as quite a surprise.
This is really funny…..
What chunks of minutes does this fellow use conversating?? Deliver the damn baby fool!!
Thank you. Yes, I’m sure that’s what the poor mother-to-be is thinking. Shut up and get this thing out of me!
Very entertaining! Good read. Thanks for making my day.
My pleasure. Thank you. 🙂
I like this and the words used is not too difficult for me to understand. Thanks for this interesting and creative post. An english learner.
Very nice….made me sit on the edge but in funny way…..
Thank you. I hope that wasn’t too uncomfortable for you. 🙂
Hey stay relaxed…enjoyed it…I am following you….let’s be in touch
Very funny, thank you 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! This is a great post! You deserve it
Kind of you to say. Thank you.
Reminds me of the numerous movies where this happens. All hell breaks lose, but not to worry! The hero will save the day. This could very well be a plot for an upcoming movie you know
Exactly what I was thinking. But I tried to push it to an absurd level. Maybe I’ll run it past Hollywood. 🙂
Very witty. A nice read.
Thank you.
that is so funny
Reblogged this on helenawalling and commented:
This is a great read to soften up your day.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the reblog!
Had a good laugh after having a very bad day…. Thanks!!! And good luck with your Hollywood stint 😛
Thank you. Glad I could help.
wow
This is hysterical, thank you for brightening up my Tuesday!
Loved the way it kept going on … amazing how it ended .. pretty entertaining as well ..
This is hilarious!
Congratulations, your post is on freshly pressed
Nice one..made me laugh..
http://www.permanentaddress.wordpress.com
In my country, we have babies in fields, not airplanes.
I thought the plane would blow up at the end, since he talked so much. Engaging piece! I look forward to seeing more from you in the future!
Enjoyed reading this, haha!
I would appreciate if you checked my blog as well. It is a new blog focussing mainly on lifestyle and entertainment.
https://randomplethora.wordpress.com
So funny!
Great post! Please check out my blog http://queenzey.wordpress.com/
Experience as a birth delivered mom is very great and surprising
Reblogged this on Tsamparada Kennique and commented:
Superb!!
Fantastic! I really enjoyed reading this. It had me in stitches. It brought back memories of the movie Airplane.
Thank you. Loved that movie!
You are my hero.
And you are mine. 🙂
I liked this! As a female I filled in the blanks of what I would have replied with if you were talking to me, and picturing the whole situation.
The absurdity of the situation! “Online class” LOL
Reblogged this on Sig Nordal and commented:
“Sorry, I drifted away for a moment. Don’t worry. I’m here. I’m here for you. Take my hand. Everything is going to be alright”
Reblogged this on hayator and commented:
we can fly
Nice, that’s entertaining.
..its so funny..happy night for me..
Well that makes me happy. Thanks!